“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie