Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
You Might Also Like
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.