Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
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Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’