Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
For those that worship cheese..
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets