Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha