[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
You better watch out
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.