After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
pictures of spider-man
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.