8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
You Might Also Like
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.