You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I’ve been drinking.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Current mood: Potato
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.