@deephora_

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

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@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@Brianhopecomedy

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@SeesawLicker

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@david8hughes

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

@WetzelGeek

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

@fadethepublic77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

@jus4golf

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

@ColoradoUgly

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)