@deephora_

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

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@rachelle_mandik

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@rajatcore

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@ddsmidt

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

@sarahlwalks

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

@_elvishpresley_

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

@curlymalloy

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

@thrill_tweeter

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.