If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Festive toon…
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or