If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,


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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”


*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask


Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.


My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.


Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.


“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”


What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?


Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.


How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?


Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)