Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”