@RidiculousSheri ‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
@deephora_ If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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@RidiculousSheri 
@Brianhopecomedy “Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
@NicCageMatch Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
@SeesawLicker My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
@Jay1972Jay Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
@david8hughes “Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
@WetzelGeek What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
@fadethepublic77 Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
@jus4golf How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
@ColoradoUgly Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)