I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns