oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
You Might Also Like
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.