On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
🤣dope
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*limbos under the caution tape
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.