Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Not all heroes wear capes…
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show