When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Two types of dogs.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”