The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
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Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
😂😂
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.