They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.