Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My purse is deeper than some people.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*