WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.