If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is