If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
When the stylist spins you back around
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
NASA has no chill
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.