I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?