Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”