Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
You Might Also Like
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Day 2 of my diet