You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Sponch
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!