Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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*romantically grabs husband鈥檚 face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it鈥檚 cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Whoa 馃槀
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay鈥ly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm鈥utterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning