@OneStopComedy

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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@traciebreaux

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

@jjhartinger

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

@_theigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

@2tonbug

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

@TinksEyeView

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

@Anniewritess

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.