If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.