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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age