Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
You Might Also Like
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.