unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
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You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
They’re really bad with fonts.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
no exceptions
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much