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That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
bought wrong eggs
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.