“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet