[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”