Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
the three branches of government
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”