Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now