I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
i did the math
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.