Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
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Alexa, make me look good naked.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.