When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*mops up wine with cat*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
put ‘er there pardner!
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”