In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
The cashier just checked me out.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.