I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?