Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
You Might Also Like
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Sheep
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”