I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.