Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Body by Oreos
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even