What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.