i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.