I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
new record!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait