When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.