I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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nice challenge
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.