“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.