It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Denise please return my vape pen
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly