starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
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I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
…żyje?
Effort made
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.