My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Need this in my life lol
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.